Sunday, November 27, 2011

Off Topic: Jack Chick's "Lisa"

Chick Tracts. Those little comics that you find in laundry mats, and tucked away in bathrooms in college campuses. They tell stories of how evolution is a lie created by Satan, and how sitting in a basement pretending to be a wizard is a one way ticket to hell. In fact there are a lot of ways one can be sent to hell in Jack Chick's world. Here's a short list of them:

1. Being Catholic. This seems to be a big one. In fact I could compile another list of everything Chick blames the Catholic Church for. But that's for another post.

4. Being a part of that group that wears those funny little hats

8. Having sex out of wedlock (oh, yeah, AIDS? God's punishment, of course)

Essentially Chick's website is one stop shopping for "you're going to hell" type preaching. But there's one tract you won't find on his website. Lisa. It's a legitimate Chick tract, but let's just say it's message isn't easily welcomed. Despite Chick's attempts to erase it from history, it can easily be found with a simple google search.*

I would post it here, but Jack Chick Publications is know for zealously defending it's "intellectual property". So instead, I shall post links. Those will probably be taken down as well, but hey, "enjoy" them while they last!

Let's begin.

Henry is a bad man. He doesn't have a job.  His poor, long suffering wife is forced to work as a waitress in some slimy dive.

His wife, as one might expect, isn't happy about the situation and tells him so. Henry's response?

"Get off my back Linda".

Henry stumbles off to get beer, picking up some porn along the way. He makes his way home to indulge and is soon joined by his pervert neighbor. As Henry and his neighbor indulge in the oh so heterosexual activity of watching porn together, the neighbor reveals some "juicy gossip". Apparently Henry is sexually molesting his daughter Lisa.

Fortunately for Henry, and unfortunately for Lisa, the neighbor is willing to keep a secret as long as he and Henry "share and share alike".

Feeling ill yet?

Two months later, Lisa is at the doctor's for a rash. But it isn't just a rash, it's herpes. And what's "worse" the doctor knows. 

Henry screams "SHE LIED" but the doctor isn't buying it. Henry then resorts to blaming his wife. Her lack of respect is what made him want to diddle his daughter and treat her like the neighborhood pedophile bike. The doctor doesn't contest this of course, because along with not accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior, the other cause father/daughter incest is lack of proper respect from ol' wifey.

What follows is the typical Jack Chick styled "you're going to rot in the pit-fires of hell if you don't accept Jesus Christ, blah, blah, blah . . ." 

Because of the good doctor's wise, Jesus loving' ways. Henry repents and accepts Jesus Christ as his personal savior. Of course the doctor tells him that he's still going to have to call the cops on him, because, you know he's got to render unto Caesar what is . . .


Henry is let go. Because that whole born again thing Henry will never have to worry about prison, and getting shanked in the rectum. His soul is clean (unless Lisa tells an adult who isn't insane, or some kind pharmacist becomes concerned about the fact he's dispensing Valtrex for a six year old).

So Henry merrily returns to his wife to spread the good news.

Apperently she had her suspicions that he was raping her daughter.  Now, she has proof, so she'll be the one to call the cops on him. Now that he's a Christian, he can't lie, right?


They pray, and that makes everything better! In the final panel we finally see Lisa. Her mother tells her that her that "[her] daddy and [her mommy] will never hurt her again."


I'm pretty sure that anyone with a hint of common sense has already figured this out, but this tract is pretty, well, fucked up.

Sexual abuse wrecks lives, and I don't think "I love Jesus now, so daddy's sorry" would cut it. Plus Henry being saved doesn't get rid of Lisa's herpes.

The neighbor? He's still free to run around and wreck the lives of other children. Granted, snitching on him would probably get Henry in trouble as well . . .

Police: So your neighbor raped your daughter and gave her herpes.

Henry: Yes.

Police: Was there any time that he could have had access to your daughter, been alone with her?

Henry: Well . . . uh, you . . . see I was . . .I'm saved ok? Jesus in all his glory has changed me so I no longer do that to her . . .

Jail. Rectum. Shank.

Yes. These are fictional characters, but Jack T. Chick is suggesting this is ok. That if you rape your child, Jesus will make it all better. As I previously stated, that the tract is no longer available on the official site.  Is that because Chick realized how fucked up it is, or because enough people, even the ones who regularly dispense his tracts on street corners, called him on it?

Suffer the little children indeed.

*God Bless the internet, huh Jack?

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